I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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