Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
