i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
try to milk me bitch
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
