I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
