Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
