This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
