I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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