i came on her dog
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
