apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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