remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
