After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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