what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
