So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
i think my cat just said my name.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Randomize
