Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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