Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
