so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
