I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
