I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize