just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
