I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
