We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
