Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
