Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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