I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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