She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The air taste purple.
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