youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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