Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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