peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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