It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
