my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
