Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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