Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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