I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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