Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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