sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
