The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
