i always forget guys have bellybuttons
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
