so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
