I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
