so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
