How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
