I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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