Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
