My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
this beer tastes like vomit already
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i believe in u and ur pee
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
