dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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