Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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