I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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