this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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