Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
