go do what you do best...puke behind churches
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
my shit smells like andre
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just want nice things and good sex
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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