Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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