Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
