Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize