I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
