a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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