Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
