Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
