Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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