My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
