I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
