Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
