Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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