Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
