you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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