When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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