The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
