Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
