so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
