if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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