This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
