Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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