If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
last night I used snow as a chaser
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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